HH IS ON HIATUS

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. Unfortunately, my work schedule has gotten kind of crazy, so I've been forced to take a break. But I hope to return to the world of ghostly apparitions and gruesome zombies very soon. Thanks for your patience.

TGIF: A Friday the 13th (2009) Review

As any good horror fan knows, Jason Voorhees literally burst onto the big screen at the end of the very first Friday the 13th in 1980. Although he wasn’t the killer in the original film (that role was of course filled by Mommie Dearest, a.k.a. Mrs. Voorhees), Jason went on to slay hundreds of victims in the eleventy billion sequels that followed. But when everyone’s favorite hockey mask-wearing murderer wound up in space in Jason X and fought a grudge match with the Shecky Greene of serial killers in Freddy vs. Jason, it was clear the franchise had run its course.

But now we’re in the middle of a big remake craze. Leatherface and Michael Myers have both had a chance to carve their way into the hearts of a new generation of horror fans. So, it was only a matter of time before good ole Jason got his turn. He hits the big screen, hard, in a brand-new Friday the 13th that opened today, natch.

It’s directed by Marcus Nispel and produced by Michael Bay and the Platinum Dunes studio, the team responsible for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre redo a few years back. That film was more of a straight-ahead remake, with a few new twists and turns. This one is very different. It’s not a true remake of the original or even the second film in the series, nor is it another in the long line of sequels. Instead, it’s a complete reboot of the franchise.


The action picks up just about where the first film wraps up. Creepy Mrs. Voorhees confronts the last living counselor at Camp Crystal Lake. But instead of belonging to a new batch of kids who are helping reopen the camp, the teen is one of the original counselors Mrs. V. blames for her son’s drowning. Things go just as you might expect. Mrs. V. tries to kill the girl and loses her head instead. But there’s one new twist on the familiar scene. Nearby, young, deformed Jason crouches in the woods and witnesses his mother’s beheading. So much like Rob Zombie’s retelling of Halloween, Nispel supplies a reason why the boy grows up to become the slasher we all know and love. From there, the prologue cuts to the present day, as a bunch of campers arrive at Crystal Lake to get some nookie and find some weed implausibly growing in the woods. Their arrival soon sets Jason (nicely portrayed by Derek Mears) off on his own killing spree, and away we go.


It’s just a shame that we don’t go anywhere interesting. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot to recommend in this movie. The Friday films weren’t exactly known for their intricate plots, but the storyline in Damian Shannon and Mark Swift's script is threadbare at best. It also hinges on just about every character behaving like a complete idiot when they're not jumping across the copious plot holes. These folks make every stupid mistake in the book (by the way, who wrote that book, it stinks) from wandering off alone to dropping their weapons.

And the characters are so cardboard, it’s a wonder they have the strength to stand upright. Naturally, we have a hero and a good girl, plus a clueless sheriff, a couple stoners and an utter asswipe. But, we also have a slut, a skank and a ho, if you can believe it. I’ll leave it to you to figure out which is which.


Of course, this is a slasher movie we’re talking about, so stereotypical characters are somewhat to be expected. But, it’s also to be expected that we’d get a decent final girl, or even a cool final boy, the one character with some substance that you root for all the way because she or he is sure to make it to the end. Jared Padalecki tries his hardest, but the script doesn’t give him much to do. Mostly, he mopes a lot and looks confused. Frankly, the Supernatural star deserved better. And Amanda Righetti and Danielle Panabaker are the only other actors to make an impression, but it’s not exactly a lasting one.


Even worse, the kills aren’t very creative. There are a couple of doozies, including a sleeping bag/campfire trap and one bit where Jason forces a guy to stab himself. And a nice gory mess is made when someone steps into a bear trap. But for the most part, Jason relies on his machete far too much, which is a real shame when there are so many other implements readily available. For instance, a scene in a tool shed has a buzz saw that’s just hanging there and is never turned on. That’s a real failure of imagination, J. The recent My Bloody Valentine remake had a lot more fun killing off its characters. Also, Nispel did a much better job building suspense in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Watching that film, I was on the edge of my seat waiting for Leatherface to start slicin’ and dicin’. Here, it's pretty easy to guess where Jason will turn up and when.

But the news isn’t all grim. Although Friday the 13th (2009) doesn’t live up to the original film, it is better than the truly terrible sequels that followed and not nearly as annoying as Rob Zombie's aforementioned Halloween.

The movie also has several cool touches. I enjoyed finding out how Jason gets that hockey mask of his. I also liked getting a glimpse of his lair (complete with an underground dungeon/mine, I guess digging for gold was one of the activities at Camp Crystal Lake) and an idea about how he’s been living all these years. It’s a shame that some of those concepts weren’t fleshed out a bit more. Jason also develops an interesting connection with one of his victims that unfortunately never leads anywhere. It feels like a lot of build up that goes bust at the end. So, while I wish I could say “thank God, it’s Friday,” Saturday the 14th can’t come soon enough.

Best Line: “You’re lucky, I came about this close to hittin’ the start button on the whup ass machine.”

Skull Score:

WTF Fridays

I am such a girl when it comes to Jane Austen. I love it all: the high-waisted dresses, gossipy matrons and chaste lovebirds. And yet, something has always been missing. The books and film adaptations all had stately manors, stalwart heroes and smart heroines. But still, those dreamy tales of romantic longing always seemed a little lacking.

Thankfully, Quirk Books has discovered the missing ingredient: body-bashin’, bone-crunchin’, brain-eatin’ zombies! This April, the indie publisher will release Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. When the dead begin to rise from their graves in the English village of Meryton, the Bennet sisters spring into action to stop the zombie menace. Luckily, they’ve got the help of a prideful, yet wealthy and handsome bachelor. Written by comedy scribe Seth Grahame-Smith, the upcoming novel will combine Austen’s original text (which is now in the public domain) with all-new scenes of undead mayhem. Not surprisingly, Hollywood is already putting out feelers to turn it into a movie. Hey maybe Colin Firth would be up for another go. Oh, Mr. Darcy!

I’m also a big fan of Titantic (I’m just telling you all my girly stuff today). So, let's conclude this week's WTF Friday with a recut trailer for a ghostly retelling of the film. Looks chilling, in more ways than one.

Trailer Tuesdays: Coraline

I’ve posted a Coraline trailer in the past. But this latest one is so great, I couldn’t resist. It’s amazing how author and comic book god Neil Gaiman could be at once odd, and yet so totally cool. See what I mean below. Coraline opens this Friday.

WTF Fridays

Thriller’s coming to Broadway! According to EW, the Nederlander Organization has acquired the rights to produce a musical based on Michael Jackson’s ‘80s opus and he’s expected to participate in some fashion. “How are they going to stretch a 14-minute music video into a 2-hour plus play?” you might ask. “Hell if I know,” I might answer. The key seems to be including songs from the Thriller album and also Off the Wall. Good luck working “P.Y.T.” in there, not to mention “Burn This Disco Out.” Plus, I can’t imagine who’d be interested in seeing anything related to Wacko Jacko these days. But at least the production promises to be chock full of dancing zombies and singing werewolves.

In other WTF news, horror movies aren’t getting any love at the Oscars this year. I held out hope for a nomination for Let The Right One In in the Foreign Film category, but it was not to be. Thankfully, the Razzies have rushed in to fill the void. For 29 years, they’ve dishonored the year’s worst films. And this award season, M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening has been defamed with four nominations, including Worst Picture, Worst Director and Worst Screenplay. And star Mark Wahlberg has received a Worst Actor nod. What no hateration for Zooey Deschanel? She was at least as awful as he was. The Happening has some pretty stiff competition, including Disaster Movie and The Love Guru (I think I just gagged a little while typing those titles). So, it’s unlikely to take the no-prize. But you never know. The “winners” will be announced on February 21st, one night before the Oscars.


Finally, last Friday I blogged about Judd Apatow’s upcoming foray into horror movie-making. Now, here’s a recut trailer for Superbad. If Evan could be made this scary, I shudder to think what a skillful editor could do with McLovin.

Trailer Tuesdays: Mutant Chronicles and Horror Online

Here’s a new red band trailer for Mutant Chronicles, a sci-fi/horror hybrid. In a post-apocalyptic world, it’s man vs. mutant, as a small band of soldiers struggles to save Earth from an army of underworld NecroMutants. While the trailer doesn’t look quite as thrilling as it probably should, the film does have a great cast, which includes John Malkovich, Stephen Rea, Ron Perlman and Thomas Jane. Directed by Simon Hunter, Mutant Chronicles was apparently shot awhile ago and floated around until it finally found a distributor in Magnet Releasing. Look for it in a limited release in April.



There are also a couple newish Internet-only series currently airing online. Available on Fear Net, Stream stars Whoppi Goldberg as a woman whose schizophrenic hallucinations might actually be real. The series flips back and forth from past to present and possibly future.



Apparently, when Whoppi’s not moderating those crazy chicks on The View, she’s actually a big fan of horror and sci fi. There are 6 five-minute episodes in all and they’re currently up to the second ep. If you like what you see, you can catch Stream webisodes here.

The other series comes from actor Doug Hutchison of Green Mile fame. Hutchison also brought to life one of the best villains in the history of The X-Files, Eugene Tooms. For that reason alone, you should check out his new online show. Called Vampire Killers, it features a group of human hunters working to take out a coven of female vamps on the streets of L.A. It’s more straight-ahead horror than Stream, although the emphasis seems to be more on steamy sex than bloodsuckers. In fact, the show was too hot ‘n heavy for You Tube, which censored the second episode. I don’t have a trailer to show, but the production company was kind enough to send this shot. You can find complete, uncensored eps of Vampire Killers at their site.

WTF Fridays

The Dark Knight did not get Oscar nominations for Best Director or Best Picture. Truly a reason to wonder, WTF? So, in honor of the Caped Crusader, here’s a recut trailer that mixes Batman Begins with American Psycho and turns it into a dark thriller. Check out the very cool results below.



Ooh, scary. Maybe we should sic Bateman on those idiot voters at the Academy.

And in other news, guy-comedy guru Judd Apatow is reportedly producing a slasher flick. The writer-director of Knocked Up fame is said to be behind a new movie written by Bill Hader and Simon Rich, a writer at SNL. Hader told CHUD that the upcoming flick will be, “…Straw Dogs meets Halloween meets Home Alone meets Monster Squad.” Hey, I’m potentially on board, just so long as it isn’t called The 40-Year-Old Serial Killer.

No Trailers Today

Just this...



Hail to the Chief, indeed.

What's Happening in Horror?: January 18

Horror is doing bang-up business. In a tight box office race, My Bloody Valentine 3-D is likely to finish in the number four spot for the long, holiday weekend. (Sadly Paul Blart: Mall Cop came in at number one. What’s the world coming to?) Even though it’s not in the top spot, MBV 3-D will bring in a decent chunk of change. According to Deadline Hollywood, the slasher remake will have made about $24 million as of Monday. That’s nearly $5 million more than The Unborn raked in last week, which also got off to a solid start. No word yet on how that film did this week. But with several major movie releases, it’s no wonder that it dropped out of the top five.

Even more mainstream horror is on the way. And it’ll be interesting to see what happens at the box office later this month when Underworld: Rise of the Lycans and The Uninvited are released. (It’s apparently not only a big month for horror, but also a big month for the letter U.)

In other news, three stills from the Friday the 13th remake hit the ‘net this week. Here’s one of the images below and you can catch the rest at Bloody Disgusting. It’s pretty cool to see Jason back in action. I must admit, I’m starting to get psyched to see this flick come February.


And finally, the Last House on the Left re-do has an official release date. Look for it in theaters on March 13th. And remember, it’s only a movie, it’s only a movie, it’s only a movie…

Heartless: A My Bloody Valentine 3-D Review

Pickaxes. Tree limbs. Eyeballs. These are just some of the things that come flying at you in the new 3-D version of My Bloody Valentine. The original 1981 Canadian horror flick was released in the midst of the slasher craze. Now, the story is hitting the big screen again. But this time, there’s a whole new sensation sweeping the nation—movies in 3-D.

The golden era of 3-D was back in the 1950s. Films like House of Wax and It Came From Outer Space were among the first to use the three-dimensional effect. Although I didn’t see those movies when they were originally shown (way before my time), I did catch them years later, in the '80s when 3-D had a mini-revival. One of my local channels showed some of those old '50s flicks, and you could pick up a pair of 3-D glasses from places like McDonalds and Burger King. Meanwhile, three-dimensional horror movies like Amityville 3-D and Friday the 13th Part III were making a killing in the theaters.

Now it seems we’re in the midst of 3-D’s third wave. From Beowulf to Journey to the Center of the Earth to the upcoming Final Destination: Death Trip 3-D, three-dimensional flicks are what’s happening on the big screen. And slasher movies are like the perfect vehicle for 3-D action. They provide plenty of opportunities for knives, axes and any another object you can imagine to fly at the audience. Not to mention, limbs dripping with blood that appear close enough to reach out and wipe off.


So that brings us to My Bloody Valentine. In the past, 3-D movies only utilized the effect during select sequences. Valentine, however, is the one of the first films shot entirely in a digital 3-D format. That means everything is three-dimensional, from the credits to the simple dialogue scenes to the master shots that announce each new location. There’s also a more conventional two-dimensional version out in theaters. But do not, I repeat do not, see this movie in 2-D. The best thing about My Bloody Valentine is that it doesn’t aspire to be more than it is—a thrill ride that makes full use of a good gimmick. Like the original film, there’s a tortured love triangle and a few fun twists, but all of that is icing on a 3-D cake.

Of course there’s a story too. On Valentine’s Day, a cave-in at a West Virginia coal mine traps several miners. One of the men, Harry Warden, kills the others to conserve the air supply. After he’s rescued, he goes crazy and murders a whole bunch of folks in town, until he’s finally shot and left for dead in the mine where it all began. The accident was the result of a mistake made by Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles), the son of the mine’s owner. He not only blames himself for the cave-in, but also for the subsequent deaths. Distraught, he leaves town, turning his back on everyone and everything, including his girlfriend. Ten years later, Tom returns. And so does Harry Warden, back from the grave to wreak havoc once again.

Ackles does a good job as Tom. The part doesn’t demand as much of him as his regular role on Supernatural (you can find my review of the most recent episode here), but he makes the best with what he’s got. It’s particularly fun watching him get punched out by an old guy, among other indignities poor Tom must endure. Kerr Smith does an even better job as Axel Palmer. But his role is much juicier. He’s not only Tom’s romantic rival, he’s also the town sheriff and chief horndog.


Sadly, the mutual object of their affection, Sarah, is portrayed by Jaime King (Sin City and The Spirit), shown on the left below with co-star Megan Boone. King doesn’t do much with her part, so the triangle feels off-balance. When I first saw the actress, I thought she was Emma Stone (Superbad) for a very quick second. Which is a real shame, because Stone would’ve rocked the role. Oh well, perhaps she'll get cast in the next 3-D slasher flick that features a masked coal miner gone berserk.


Director Patrick Lussier takes great care with the effects, 3-D and otherwise. The kills are awesome with buckets of blood in plentiful supply. (When one girl’s face was bisected with a shovel, I nearly stood up and cheered.) Like the original, there are also a bunch of human hearts stuffed inside candy boxes.

It’s a shame, though, that the writers Todd Farmer and Zane Smith don’t take quite as much care with the script. Of course, in a film like this, the story is just set-up for the action. But even so, the characters could have been beefed up a bit more. I was also expecting lots of funny one-liners, but they’re few and far between. However, what’s there gets the job done, so I’m not going to complain too much. And when it was all over, I realized it was the most fun I'd had at a horror movie in awhile.

All of which is to say, definitely give the new My Bloody Valentine a shot. But be sure to check your brain at the door on your way in. And try not to flinch too hard when pickaxes hurtle your way. You might hurt yourself.

Best Line: The best line is uttered during the film’s climax and is too good to reveal here, so I’ll go with this instead: “Oh…shit…”

Skull Score:


Blog Bounce: For other bloggers’ takes on My Bloody Valentine 3-D, be sure to check Bo’s site and the bone breaker’s blog.